Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
