They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
