flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
