i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Randomize
