It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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