I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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