maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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