After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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