You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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