Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
