the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize