I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Maybe he injected his testicle?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
