Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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