you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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