I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Randomize
