glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
