hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
So vagazzling was a success
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
