Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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