yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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