dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Randomize
