you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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