i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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