When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
