We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
