Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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