Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
