I'm really into asian looking animals
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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