Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
