i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
