I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
i out mim tonsoeep
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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