gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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