Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
literally had 100 drinks last night.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
