The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
