after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
