He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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