I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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