I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize