Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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