Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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