we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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