you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
