can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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