Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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