okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
How does it feel to date your dad?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
