I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
