I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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