Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
