You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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