my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
