i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
