Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Can vaginas get frostbite?
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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