so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
