Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
