I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
