her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Randomize
