I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Operation Purity has been aborted
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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