I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Randomize
